Im Not Broken...Just Bent

 Last night had to be one of my worst moments in deployment history. I feel so lost and alone without my husband here. I hate the first couple weeks after he leaves its like I dont know how to function without his presence. This isnt my first rodeo either so what the fuck is wrong with me? I know I can do this I just have so much inside me and with him around I can push it aside and pretend that its not an issue. But without him here its like my inner demons surface and I am a fuckin mess that I try so hard not to be. 

Everyone has family support when their spouse deploys Im basically flying alone. I mean I have my son and he does help me alot but just once it would be nice to have the support of my so called family. I have so much I wanna say to so many people. But then I think about doing it and bite my tongue and move on. Honestly I feel like I have no family outside my son and husband. This isnt the way I wanted things to be but its the way they have been for so long that I dont see it changing. My egg donor I have such horrible things I want to say to her but I promised my Nana that I would look after her and see that shes okay and I feel if I was to say these things that I would be dishonoring my Nanas last wishes. But if only someone knew how badly she has hurt me then maybe just maybe they would understand. 

I am 38yrs old and at times I feel like a teenager cuz in all intents and purposes thats where my life ended. Thats when she picked her loser drug dealing boyfriend instead of me. That is when she allowed him to abuse me and would tell me "You really should push his buttons and then maybe this wouldnt happen" This is when I needed her most but instead I ended up in a foster home because she wanted him more then she loved me. Thank God for my Nana otherwise who knows where I would be right now. Ah hell who am I kidding she never wanted me to begin with. She sent me to live with my aunt for the first year of my life because she claimed "I didnt know what to do with a baby"  So I ended up going to live with my Nana until she died in 1993.

I have a pretty fucked up sense of what family is and honestly I didnt know until I met my husband. I grew up without knowing most of my family because we are so damn dysfunctional. Hell Im meeting the majority of them now via facebook I mean how fucked up is that? I envy my husband and his tight knit family he has. At least they call and check in or invite us out. At least they remember birthdays and holidays. At least they say "I love you" and mean it. I know the exact time my mom said "I love you" to me. I was 8yrs old. After that something snapped and she became cold and distant. And now she is the one that points out all my mistakes and flaws. She is the tour guide of my guilt trips and I hate her for it!

I always told myself that when I get older and have kids they are gonna know what love and being a family is. Well I fucked that up good with my 3 oldest kids. Now they are just as or even more fucked up then I am. And that I am to blame for. Ill take the heap for that cuz I know Im not innocent when it comes to that. I couldve fought harder for them but just like I always do I cower in fear of my ex and what he can do to me if I even attempt to fight back. Its been this way ever since I met him. He holds all the control because Im afraid of him. Living in fear is a hell of a way to live let me tell you.

I have always had self esteem issues. It started in grade school with me being teased and taunted up until even now. I never thought I was pretty or smart and being told these things for years you eventually start to believe them. I asked my husband last night why he is with me. He said its because he loves me. I believe he does but I also believe that he feels trapped in this marriage I mean who wouldnt? Hes a gorgeous smart funny guy who deserves to be with someone just as attractive. I sometimes feel I should just file for divorce and give him some good years to be the happiest he can be. I mean I have so many health issues things he shouldnt be worried about just yet at his age. I cant do the things that most healthy families do together. I cost him his tax return every year money that hes earned and deserves. I sometimes feel as if hes ashamed to be with me. I wouldnt want to be with me if I was him either. My body is a wreck. I wish I was pretty and attractive. I wish I could be everything he deserves and more but Im not and never will be. 
 

Oh and apparently I suck at being a good friend too cuz my friends drop like flies after awhile. I thought it was the people in Lemoore that was making my life hell come to find out its something I do or say. I used to think I was a good person with a good heart and that people took advantage of that quality in me. But now Im starting to think its just me. 

I dont know Im just tired of pretending Im okay when Im not. Im tired of pretending Im happy when Im not Im tired of holding things in biting my tongue not being able to have closure from certain events. Im tired of feeling like a lose cannon ready to go off. Im sick not having the support I need and want. Im sick of people looking at me like Im not human. I just want to feel loved and that I can trust someone completely. But most of all Im sick of being alone...